November 12, 2017



Woke up this morning and I feel pain
It was sadness before but now I feel lost
Feels like being punished just for being
So much in love with you but it's forbidden

You put smile on my face, the best one ever
But it's taken away from me, it hurts like shit
Like finding a gown that fits but too expensive
I can only adore you for I'm not allowed to steal

You came out of nowhere, out of my league
Touched my heart so gentle just by holding hands
You showed me love so true I didn't know existed
Now I have to let you go, tell me how do I do that?

I no longer ask the 'why', I prefer the 'how'
How much joy you bring to me just by your 'hello'
How your love heals all of my previous wounds
And whispering to me it's gonna be all right

With you it's just love, somehow it scares me
I've been in pain for so long, I wasn't prepared
Now I know what those love songs' about
I really wish this won't be a sad one

If I could wish to be selfish
I'd want you to stay and us just the same
But we're not alone and they are watching
If I can't buy you can I just borrow?

Can You Imagine


Can you imagine
How perfect we could be
The way you look at me
The way you hold my hand
The way you protect me
And how I cherish all that

Can you imagine
Our life together
You'll make a living
I'll make you home
You'll do your hobby
I'll be your cheerer

Can you imagine
If life is that simple
That you were mine
And I am yours
But in this lifetime ours isn't
And I really don't know what to do

July 08, 2016


It should be another ordinary vacation day in Bali for me, but something in the air says something else. From the mesmerizing sunset to the colourful twilight sky that I just witnessed on the beach, I know there should be something special about the day. But my whole day already went on like any regular day... until it was dinner time.

"Excuse me," a man softly touches the back of my lower left arm. I glance at him with a plate full of the dish I picked from the food counter on my left hand. My right hand is grabbing the utensils from a smaller counter. I stare at him for two seconds, waiting for the reason of why he provoked me.

"Deidre," he looks relieved when I look back. But it's not my name he just called. I stare at him for a longer bit. There is something in his eyes that sends me a shiver. A strange warm sensation that makes me shiver.

"I'm sorry, wrong person," I smile, both to cover the awkwardness and to get rid of the strange vibration that I'm feeling. I walk away from him, heading to an empty table that I've aimed before he interrupted me.

"I'm sorry. It's just that you look so much like her..." he insists, catching up with my pace. I turn around, trying to be polite.

"Your... wife?" I have a guess. He nods. So he has a wife already.

"Was," he adds. Now I feel a bit of sympathy.

"Oh. I'm sorry about that," I respond spontaneously.

"Don't worry. It was a long time ago," he shakes his head and makes an expression that I shouldn't feel sorry about it. "Anyway, can I sit with you?"

This is a first time a stranger would ask to sit with me. I pause for a while to think of the consequences, but my head nods much quickly than my brain could even process the thought. He follows me to my target seat.

"It's so nice to see you again... um, I mean, it's nice to see you," he starts. I smile at him, not knowing what to say. It is nice to see him, to have him sit with me and stuff, but to tell him all about this is way too early. I guess.

"Aren't you eating?" I ask instead. I spoon a bit of my quinoa and stir-fried spinach into my mouth.

"Yeah," he responds, glancing at the food counter that is full with a bunch of people queuing. "After the group's done."

I follow his glance and nod. "Oh, okay."

For the next ten minutes we are involved in a delightful conversation. He excuses himself to grab food from the counter and when he comes back we talk briefly about our backgrounds, origin countries, interests and hobbies, which then leads to our life principles and dreams. I feel like I've known this person for a long time, but clearly I haven't met him before few moments ago.

"I'd really like to marry you," he finally said, as if he has been holding the words from coming out of his mouth for the past hour, after we finished our meals and just ordered a second round of drinks.

"That's a very odd thing to say at a first meeting," I try to neutralize the situation.

"I've said it every time I met you before," now his words make me confused. "And it had always been working."

"Every single time?" I provoke him, getting along with whatever his game is about.

"Well, no. Not all the time. The last time was 200 years ago, and I've lost you three times in the following incarnations," he says that with bright hazelnut eyes, looking deep into my soul. Maybe he knows I'm scared now. Maybe he can sense my insecurity. I feel his stare becomes more intense, as if he is looking for something inside of my heart.

"You.. lost me three times?" I repeat, trying to understand but still playing his game.

"Yes. I didn't look for you fast enough that I had to see you marry other men. Now looking at your bare fingers, I take it that I'm not late now."

I look at my empty ring finger. There isn't any hint of a ring ever stay long enough to make a mark there. I pull my hands to my lap, under the table, and make my right hand covering the left one.

"But you are," I whisper slowly. He doesn't seem to hear that.

"It's really hurt to lose you and have to wait for another incarnation to find you again," he says this as if he is saying the truth. As if his game is real.

"So I had been your wife--wait, 200 years ago?" he nods.

"And for so many times before. We've been together in every of your lives since the very beginning until I failed three lives ago," he says this with an affection in both his words and eyes which makes me feel so calm. "But the punishment days are over. We can be together again now."

"And why should we be punished?" I still don't get what conversation I am in.

"Another woman appeared and I made a mistake. A highly costed mistake that I have to pay off for nearly 200 years now," his gaze ponders. On his eyes I see pain, love, and yearn mix altogether. How strange it is that all I want to do is to hold him tight, calm his nerves and tell him that I'm here now and everything's gonna be alright. But I hold the feeling and try to divert the urge.

"And you didn't marry anyone else in the past 200 years?"

"I did when I knew I lost you the first time. And it just costed me another lives to bear without you. That's why I've been single for the past 120 years," he answered. I feel like I'm talking to an Edward Cullen. Or Connor MacLeod character in Highlander played by Christopher Lambert. What is he? "It's just different if not with you."

"Why should I trust you?" I really don't know what to think now. His words are all every woman wants to hear about. And I feel the peacefulness I haven't feel all my life, until now.

"You don't have to trust me. You just have to trust your feeling," he answers. "What's inside your heart?"

"I do believe you," I told him truthfully. Then slowly and unwillingly I continued, "But I just got married and this is my honeymoon I'm having in Bali. My newlywed husband is now in the jewelry store, fixing the diamond that fell off from my wedding ring. I am sorry."

"Oh," is all that he says. "Imbroglio."

"What is that?"

"A complicated situation," he smiles as he says this.

"What happens now?" I ask, fearful of hearing the answer.

"I'll wait until your next incarnation."

"No other way to fix this?"

"Dear, I've tried so many ways before and each mistake just brought me farther from you. Apparently the punishment is not over yet. We have to pay this off. From my experience, forcing anything won't do any good. We have to accept this and let the Universe work in its own way. If we're not meant to be together in this life, we wait for the next one. Don't you worry now. It's still not our time. But it will be, soon. The first time I found you married to someone else, you've had two kids already. Now I found you just newlywed. So our next meeting will be before any wedding."

I look at him, bizarrely hurt yet consoled at the same time.

"Until our next meeting," he says as he kisses the back of my right hand. I repeat his words in a whisper.

"By the way, your dinner is on me," he smiles at me, blinks an eye and turns back to disappear among the crowding customers around the food counter.

I am not sure what to feel now. It feels like losing a big lottery that I just won for only five minutes. A brief moment of possessing something so valuable that makes the loss feels even heavier. It feels like falling off a ride that had just started. A fleeting excitement that ends with a painful landing on the solid, rocky earth. And what scares me the most is, how to face my newlywed husband--a person whom I'm married to for the next coming years but had never makes me feel anything close to the feeling I got with the person whom I just had dinner with; the person I might never see again in this life, whose name I don't even know--whose identity I'm not certain of. If this life is a punishment for our love as he said, then I guess I can't wait until my next life.

As also posted at my personal blog.

July 03, 2016

Menanti Kau Kembali

Bali, Mar 11, 2016

Hari ini kudengar kabar kau kembali
Setelah sepi ratusan hari kulalui
Terkadang berharap mendapatimu hadir
Tapi kusadari itu hanya mimpi

Kutahu harapku percuma
Kau takkan pernah kembali
Puluhan harap terbangun semua runtuh
Dalam diam ku terus menunggu

Sepulang Sirkus

Aku berjalan pulang dengan hati riang
Seulas senyum menghias wajah yang girang
Ribuan kali telah kutonton sirkus itu
Ribuan kali pula ia dapat memukauku

Empat tahun aku menyimak dengan setia
Mengenal betul setiap pelosok dan sudutnya
Walau hanya sekian hari dan tak menetap
Kunanti saat ia kembali untuk kutatap

Atraksinya merangsang imaji dan hatiku tertambat
Wahananya mengguncang tubuhku dengan nikmat
Itulah sirkus yang membuatku mengharap
Dalam setiap kunjungnya yang hanya sekejap

Hingga saat ia berkemas untuk pergi
Terkadang berbulan tanpa kabar dan berita
Tak tahu kapan ia akan kembali lagi
Menyapaku dengan hiburan gambar dan cerita

Ingin rasanya kumiliki sirkus itu
Yang memberi tujuan dalam hidupku
Karena hampa kurasa tanpa hadirnya
Meski sesaat kumerasa memilikinya

May 30, 2016

Selesaikan Sudah

Hidupku sunyi tanpa jiwa yang gaduh
Hanya pikirku berkelana menjelajah jauh
Walau tetap hati hampa tanpa hadirmu

Kujalani hari berganti warsa
Berbekal rasa yang tak kunjung pudar
Walau harap tak lagi ada di sana

Berkeping terserak sukmaku terburai
Merintih jiwa yang tak sempurna tanpamu
Walau tabah menapaki bergulirnya waktu

Tuk meneguk kecewa; kupaksa menelan rasa
Hingga ku muak mengecap semua
Walau tetap ku ikut mengaliri hari

Selesaikan sudah
Tak lagi dapat ku tahan
Kuingin sakit ini selesai
Cukup buatku di sini

Kuberharap segera mati

Mengikut Ayah

Dalam sepi kau meninggalkanku
Biarkan ku membusuk dengan pikiranku
Dan angan tentang masa yang takkan pernah ada
Juga kenangan yang terkubur di dalam dada

Dalam sunyi kurenungi sendiri
Apa makna lahirku ke Bumi tercinta ini
Jika perih yang kurasai dalam hati
Walau indah juga kujalani dalam hari

Bukan ku membenci hidup
Tapi kadang kurasa cukup
Entah apa masih ku sanggup
Jika boleh kumintakan penutup

Lelah.. Jiwa ini lelah terdera
Walau senyum selalu kupaksa
Telah jauh makna ku jelajah
Ku ingin hanya mengikut ayah...

May 26, 2016

Menahan Rasa

-May 24, 2016-

Kunanti kamu
Yang berjanji untuk ada
Bertahan akan tinggal

Tak pernah janjikan kapan
Atau bagaimana pertemuan mendatang
Bilakah mungkin ada
Atau hanya angan belaka

Dua insan mencinta
Namun terpisah jarak dan masa
Entah apa rencana Sang Pencipta

Tiap-tiap kutunggui
Menatap tembok yang tersanding pagar
Berharap sesosok kemunculan
Seperti dulu berbagi rasa

Tak jua kau hadir lagi
Menyisakan remah sisa harapku
Tuk kembali menunggui hari

Dan ku hanya menahan rasa
Yakinkan kau pasti kembali
Walau mungkin hanya angan belaka

June 29, 2015

Poem For My Bride Sister

A sister was born when I was four years old  
An independent girl, oh she's smart and bold

She followed me around, I considered annoying 
Years later I found, it was me she was admiring

Funny how we figure out, she became my soul mate
God had designed us as sisters; it is out fate

To have someone that always supporting and care 
A soul who accepts and gives the best of prayer

Who listens when you don't have the voice
Who will find you doors when they say you don't have a choice

Who reads your face; you don't even have to write 
Who will light the room up in a dark stormy night 

When Daddy passed away, I felt responsible 
But my baby sister is no longer so little 

Today I see you here standing so beautiful; such a doll 
In a white wedding gown so purely as your soul 

Wearing the smile the man beside you have given
Your life will start anew; a book to be written

A love that will keep you alive and safe, even without me
But far apart we may, sisters we'll always be

This poem was my wedding gift for my sister Clemency and her wedded husband, Maruli Panggabean. I read the poem on the stage at the reception, as well at "The Ballroom", Sampoerna Strategic Square, Jakarta. June 20th, 2015.

July 06, 2014


Separuh jiwa ini mati
Separuh lagi berjalan tanpa hati
Tak bisa lebih baik denganmu
Tak bisa lebih hidup tanpamu

Entah apa yang harus kubuat
Mati enggan hidup tak kuat
Bersamamu mengikis hatiku
Tapi tak bisa kuberpaling darimu

Terkutuklah hari kita bertemu
Menolakmu hatiku tak mampu
Jika dapat kuulang waktu
Tak perlu ada kau dan aku

July 05, 2014

Picture Perfect

I am sorry for this baby
Otherwise we're gonna hurt each other more
You bring out the best of me but also the worst
You're making me feel alive while killing me

Sorry I can't keep up with you
Your life is already a picture perfect
and I'm gonna ruin it if ever I enter the frame
I don't belong there, I must go

You are so perfect to me as I to you
But you cannot choose to be with me
You belong to the kingdom you've built
and I'm the uninvited stranger

We used to talk every day every night
Now I barely know what's going on
And it's killing me to live this part alone
I must go or we'll both drown deeper

Your life is already a picture perfect
Who am I to ruin it, I must go